Life Of Brian - What Has Hackgate Done For Us?

A humorous piece from a regular contributor.

*A wine bar, somewhere off The Strand*

Reg: We get into the Royal Courts of Justice under the arch here...slip past the Annex marquee here... up these stairs here.... nip down this unguarded corridor, through the back door... jump out from behind the blue curtains... ignore Tony Blair.... and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?

Tony: What exactly are our demands?

Reg: We're giving Leveson two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Inquiry and if he doesn't agree immediately we shout through megaphones - "chilling effect!" and "freedom of expression!" and stuff.  We had a nice cosy bit of self-regulation ticking over till that bloody Desmond stomped off. Bloody Desmond.... Splitter.

All: Yeah, Splitter. Splitter!

Reg: So now we got that Leveson and his lot sticking their noses into our culture, practice and ethics. They're trying to stifle our free speech, the bastards. They're trying to take every dodgy practice we've ever used, not just from us, from our proprietors.... and from our proprietors' executives.

Stan: And from our proprietors' executives' editors.

Reg:  Yes.

Stan:  And from our proprietors' executives' editors' assistant editors.

Reg: All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what has Leveson ever given us IN RETURN?

Lucy:  Operations.

Reg:  Operations...? You mean, medical procedures for amnesia? Like elping Andy Coulson's forgetting about still being paid by News International and overlooking those New Corp shares worth forty grand?

Lucy:  Operations...like Caryatid

Reg: Caryatid? Well, that's not your Romans, is it!  *consults Wikipedia*  That's your Greeks... an architectural, draped figure supporting....

Lucy: Police operations. Caryatid, Weeting....

Reg:  Oh yeah, yeah.... gave us that. Yeah. That's true.

Tom:  Forum.

Reg:  What?

Tom:  Forum.

Reg:  Ah, the Forum... the spectacle of gladiators doing battle, the cut and thrust of...

Stan:  No, Reg - that's the Colosseum.

Tom:  Forum. *consults Wikipedia*  A public space, originally of a Roman city, where judicial and matters of public concern could be debated. 'Pro Bono Publico' an' all that.

Reg:  Alright, I'll grant you that the police operations and a public forum are two things that this hacking business HAVE done ...

Len: Justice. Y'know - vindication for Nightjack. And the opportunity to see a top flight legal expert at work.

Reg:  Robert Jay?

Len: No, Alastair Brett.

Ben: And the Judicial Review. The one fought for by John Prescott, Chris Bryant, Brian Paddick and Brendan Montague, all alleged victims of phone hacking....

Reg: Yes, yes. Alright, the Judicial Review, but apart from that...

Den:  The sanctity of evidence under oath... Piers Morgan, Tom Crone...

Len:  Yeah, that's something I'll really miss, Reg.

Ken: Legions!

Reg:  Legions??

Ken:  Yeah, legions of resignations.... James Murdoch, Rebekah Brooks,..

Stan: and Andy Coulson. Twice.

Reg: Alright.... Alright.... But apart from Caryatid, Motorman, Glade, Weeting, Elvedon, Tuleta, a healthy public forum for debate, vindication for Nightjack, the Judicial Review, Alastair Brett, Piers Morgan, Tom Crone, the resignations of James Murdoch, Sir Paul Stephenson, Rebekah Brooks, John Yates, Andy Coulson twice, Les Hinton and Dick Fedorcio.... What HAS hackgate ever done for US?

Lucy:  You forgot Baroness Buscombe.

(Silence)

You can contact the author on Twitter @brown_moses or by email at brownmoses@gmail.com